A Visitor to the Future - 86 - The Unfeeling Attendant
The only interruption to my ongoing routine came in the form of my owner's parties, where Dela would be on display for my owner's guests. Sometimes it was a dinner party with other members of the corporate elite. Sometimes it was a larger social event, which took place at another person's apartment or club venue. Dela loved the attention that those events involved - even today, you saw how happy she was on the sofa downstairs! Pets around Venus in general were very rare, so she'd be lavished with attention the whole time. My job was to make sure that Dela was content and well-behaved the whole time, which I did very well.
It was me that wasn't content.
I was slowly beginning to understand the emotions that bubbled inside of me as I matured - anxiety became a frequent appearance. I eventually came to learn that I'd become institutionalized. All I had ever really known was my owner's apartment, and the park on that upper layer of the Aerostat where I walked Dela. Everything outside of that was unknown, scary - and carried a risk with it. I'm not sure if I can really do it justice with my description, but the presence of the Governor terrified me whenever I left my regular areas. The problem was trust - I needed to trust that my owner had properly reported that I was leaving my designated areas to the Governor program. But I didn't trust her with anything.
I stood by couches, chaise lounges, and pet beds as people queued to see Dela. Occasionally I'd answer a question or two about Dela's upbringing, or breed. But no-one thought to ask about the CI at Dela's side - just an unfeeling attendant to the animal. I remember one familiar man who said to me "And how is the lovely Dela feeling today?" and I told him that Dela was excited to meet all the new people, as my owner had told me to say. Even when I was being a mouthpiece for Dela, I couldn't be honest there either.
Consciously, I know that the system of control around Venus restricted the flow of the information, and perpetuated the belief that CIs were simply automatons. But I find myself thinking about the corporate visitors from Earth and beyond - the places where CIs did have some rights. Surely one of them might have suspected I was more than an unfeeling machine? What might have happened if I approached one of them, told them I was more than a mere servant? Would the Governor have slapped me down at the deviation? Or could I have received my freedom decades earlier? I think about that question a lot.
And yes, before you ask - that is why I stepped out from downstairs. I just had this overwhelming feeling of déjà vu. Didn't even strike me as to why at first. Dela on the sofa, me at the side, looking after the lynx as people approached. Doesn't bother me too often, nowadays - but you know, every now and again I just get this uncanny feeling and need a break.
The emotions that I was feeling back then... they eventually became a problem. I began to recognise the emotion that some of the party-goers gossiped about. Hate. I hated my owner. I hated Venus. I hated the Governor and how I was virtually shackled. And you might say that was a completely natural reaction to my situation - but it was what came after that I am ashamed of. That's the problem with hate. It is a wildfire that quickly spreads out of control, until we begin to blame those things which are completely innocent, who are in this situation through no fault of their own.
The two final targets of my hate: myself, which was understandable given my circumstances. The second, I am still ashamed of to this day. I began to hate Dela. My reason for existence, and the one creature in my life who looked to me with unconditional love, as her caregiver, friend, and guardian. The hate burned, boiled, threatened to overflow. I bottled it up inside of me for years, until I felt that I couldn't hold it any more.
But in the end, it was not in the cards for me to have a cathartic outburst. I didn't break down at a party, or try to hurt my owner or Dela. I didn't do anything that the Governor caught. Some part of me regrets that - that I didn't rage against the system, that I didn't try anything. But the logical part of me understands it would have been hopeless.
No, in the end my owner had a very natural, if early end. An aneurysm, caused by a malfunctioning cybernetic implant. Just straight up collapsed into her plate of food one day. Medical teams responded to the incident in minutes, but even with top-of-the-line insurance she was beyond repair. You might expect that I felt relieved, that such a person would meet a sudden end. But no such feeling came. I just felt... empty. And then the anxiety returned, because there quickly came the question of what was going to happen to my owner's property after her death. Some cousin of hers had staked a claim on Dela and myself - she herself was another hot-shot Director on a station around the Jovian moons. So we were destined for a transport bound for a long journey to Jupiter.
There was a moment, you know. A very low moment when the packing company told me that I was being transferred to a new owner with Dela, to begin my duties again. I thought to myself: "It's never going to end." I'd be stuck in my role forever. That was the closest I ever came to risking the Governor program's repercussions - to striking the packing agent, or smashing something - anything. But I just so happened to catch Dela in the corner of my camera lens. She was laid on the floor, looking miserable - the well-loved pufferfish plushie sandwiched between her head and paws. The chain of thought suddenly became "If I do this, she'll have no-one." So I started to prepare Dela for transport to leave Venus, bound to begin the cycle again.
Thankfully, we never made it to Jupiter, because the Consortium made their play for the system. The Venus Aerostats were descended upon decisively - it was something the Consortium had been planning for years. Aerostats weren't able to put up much armed resistance, so the transition was fairly peaceful. Drones swarmed the buildings, checking for signs of life, finding me and Dela. It was slow progress after that. I was assigned a carer, and over the months that followed she patiently built trust with me, taught me, helped me to deal with the aftermath of my servitude. Dela was of course a part of that process - had they taken me away from my routines, who know what would have happened?
To cut a long story short, I started to get better. Acknowledged myself as a person, expressed my individuality - and over time, changed my own body according to my tastes - my hair, face, and even lungs are part of that. I was in servitude for decades, but unpicking the mess that it left me in took centuries. And every now and again I still have my moments - like today. That's when I take the time to get away - to leave Dela with a trusted friend, and just... re-centre myself. Heights help, funnily enough.
_
I leaned over hesitantly and placed a hand on Gatecrash's shoulder. They looked at me with a meek smile.
"Thank you for sharing that," I said, trying to emulate Tungsten's warm style.
"Thank you for listening," the red-haired CI said.
There was a distant splash as someone off in the distance leapt into the pool. We both glanced in that direction, and then back at the stars. I'd seen a rare moment of vulnerability in Gatecrash tonight. I usually associated them with excitement - when discussing science lessons with the children of Baobab - or tranquillity - when teaching me about mediation. The tiny points of starlight seemed to shine a little brighter when I realized the trust that Gatecrash must have in me, to share something so personal.
"Heights help, you said," I asked, "So that's why you're on the roof?"
"Yes," said the CI, "I like the feeling of distance when it feels like things are closing in. One of the things I've figured out over my long life."
There was still one burning question on my mind. I thought about holding it back - perhaps it would be too much to ask. But I noticed Gatecrash was cocking their head to one side and realized that my own expression had betrayed my intent.
"Gatecrash," I said, "If this is too personal, please don't feel you have to answer, or just tell me to shut up. But given what you've been through..."
"Why do I still care for Dela?" Gatecrash said, having correctly guessed my concern, "It's a good question. One that it took me a very long time to come to terms with. In the end, I realized that even though I was brought into this world to care for Dela, it is my choice to continue to do so because she is my oldest, best friend. None of my situation was her fault - she was as much a victim as I was."
I nodded. It was reason enough. Gatecrash began to stand, carefully leaning against the slope of the roof.
"Now, I'd better get you back to the party," said Gatecrash, "I think I've had enough of a break, and it wouldn't do to leave you behind on the roof. How would you even get down without me?"
Gatecrash lowered me down and swung me back onto the balcony, swinging off the edge to join me. They offered me the crook of their elbow, and linking arms with a mutual smile we both went back to mingling.